Dear Mr. President,
For the last several months, I’ve been proud to serve as your White House Press Secretary. Regardless what the media may think of me, I learned a number of key life skills serving under your administration, and I plan to take those skills wherever I may go in the future.
For instance, I learned how to properly hide in a bush to escape from the press. I learned that no matter how often you repeat a big lie, the vast majority of people on Twitter and the media still won’t believe you. I also learned that I should probably brush my teeth before I go on national TV, and how to craft word salad from the pros — Ms. Palin and yourself. I’ve learned valuable life lessons as well, like keeping my Venmo account private and not tweeting my Twitter password. I was informed there is a difference between “authoritative” and “authoritarian,” and that Zyklon B is actually a chemical weapon used during World War II.
I also learned not to retweet from the Onion, no matter how true it may be, and that Melissa McCarthy makes a better press secretary than I do.
I appreciate the opportunities that you’ve given me, Mr. President, so it’s with a heavy heart that I announce my intent to resign from your administration as Press Secretary.
As you’re aware, all good things must come to an end — especially this FBI investigation, and I don’t want to be anywhere near this administration when that happens.
Thank you for the opportunities you’ve offered me, Mr. Trump. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors, as I hope you do me while I skip the country and try to get as far away from you and your dumpster fire of a supposed administration as possible. Period.