The Giant Orange Traffic Cone appeared in front of a golden curtain in the East Room at the White House to hold a press conference announcing his new pick for Secretary of the Department of Labor Alexander Acosta. That part lasted approximately one and a half minutes. He then spent the remaining hour and 15 minutes or so making up alternative facts and telling the press they all suck hard in what seemed to be a late attempt at the airing of grievances.
Maybe you were at work, or maybe you just can’t bring yourself to sit through nearly an hour and a half of Cheetolini’s word salad-y rants, with an extra side of salt. No worries, we have the highlights covered.
Here are the 20 most bizarre quotes from Trump’s first solo press conference. Brace yourself.
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20. “The press has become so dishonest that if we don’t talk about, we are doing a tremendous disservice to the American people. Tremendous disservice. We have to talk to find out what’s going on, because the press honestly is out of control. The level of dishonesty is out of control.”
Since May 3 of last year (well, honestly before that) the press has been reporting on what Donald Trump has been saying. The dishonest that has flooded our news cycle isn’t the journalists making up things, but simply reporting Trump’s words – word for word. The level of dishonesty IS out of control and that’s because Lord Cheeto has been talking.
19. “To be honest, I inherited a mess. It’s a mess. At home and abroad, a mess.”
Umm, no. Just no.
18. “270 which you need, that was laughable. We got 306 because people came out and voted like they’ve never seen before so that’s the way it goes. I guess it was the biggest electoral college win since Ronald Reagan.”
For a man who cries “fake news” in every breath, Trump works with the most fake facts of any public figure we’ve ever seen. George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama all won their elections by more electoral votes than Donald Trump.
17. “We’ve issued a game-changing new rule that says for each one new regulation, two old regulations must be eliminated. Makes sense.”
No, this doesn’t make sense. Setting some arbitrary number of regulations that should be axed if a new regulation is needed is asinine. Dumbass.
16. “We’re becoming a drug infested nation. Drugs are becoming cheaper than candy bars. We are not going to let it happen any longer.”
Drugs are not cheaper than candy bars. Any place. Ever.
15. “We’ve begun preparing to repeal and replace Obamacare. Obamacare is a disaster, folks. It is’s disaster. I know you can say, oh, Obamacare. I mean, they fill up our alleys with people that you wonder how they get there, but they are not the Republican people our that representatives are representing.”
They fill up our alleys with not the Republican people, and you wonder how they get there? WTF does this even mean?
14. “Mike Flynn is a fine person. . . He didn’t have to do that, because what he did wasn’t wrong — what he did in terms of the information he saw. Because when I looked at the information, I said, ‘I don’t think he did anything wrong; if anything, he did something right.'”
Yeah, because laws mean nothing and everyone gets fired from their job because they did everything right. FFS, you fired him! You asked for his resignation and he gave it to you. That’s a diplomatic firing for doing it all right?
13. “That’s Mr. Manafort, who’s — by the way, who’s by the way a respected man. He’s a respected man. But I think he represented the Ukraine or Ukraine government or somebody, but everybody — people knew that. Everybody knew that.”
Dear President Orange Face, please look up the word “respected.”
12. “Russia is fake news. Russia — this is fake news put out by the media. The real news is the fact that people, probably from the Obama administration because they’re there, because we have our new people going in place, right now.”
He keeps saying Russia is fake news and the Shakespeare quote, “doth protest too much, methinks” is stuck in my mind.
11. “And I’ll tell you something, I’ll be honest, because I sort of enjoy this back and forth that I guess I have all my life but I’ve never seen more dishonest media than frankly, the political media. I thought the financial media was much better, much more honest.”
He really enjoys discrediting the free press. . . really enjoys it. Because, he’s a douchebag.
10. “Well the leaks are real. You’re the one that wrote about them and reported them, I mean the leaks are real. You know what they said, you saw it and the leaks are absolutely real. The news is fake because so much of the news is fake.”
Damn you news! *shakes fist in air* Reporting on real leaks with your fake news stories! Oh, wait.
9. “I don’t watch it any more because it’s very good — he’s saying no. It’s OK, Jim (Acosta). It’s OK, Jim (Acosta), you’ll have your chance. But I watch others too. You’re not the only one so don’t feel badly.”
CNN was crushed that Trump says he no longer watches CNN after saying when he watches CNN it’s full of hatred because he watched it.
8. “People — I mean, you have a lower approval rate than Congress. I think that’s right. I don’t know, Peter (ph), is that one right? Because you know I think they have lower — I heard lower than Congress.”
7. “I’m really not a bad person, by the way.”
Yes. Yes, you are.
6. “I watched this morning a couple of the networks. And I have to say, Fox & Friends in the morning, they’re very honorable people. They’re very — not because they’re good, because they hit me also when I do something wrong. But they have the most honest morning show. That’s all I can say. It’s the most honest.”
Extra! Extra! Read all about it. Fox & Friends is honest media and every pig on earth is currently in flight, circling the world with their newly grown wings.
5. “No, that’s how I won. I won with news conferences and probably speeches. I certainly didn’t win by people listening to you people. That’s for sure. But I’m having a good time.”
Super good time, guys. This is really nice. Thanks.
4. “But tomorrow, the headlines are going to be, “Donald Trump rants and raves.” I’m not ranting and raving.”
Yes, that is basically how this press conference can honestly be summed up.
3. “I’m changing it from fake news, though. Very fake news.”
Clever. I see what he did there.
2. “Wait a minute. I don’t have to tell you what I’m going to do in North Korea. And I don’t have to tell you what I’m going to do with Iran. You know why? Because they shouldn’t know. And eventually, you guys are going to get tired of asking that question.”
Dear press, please don’t tire easily. Keep. Asking.
1. “So when you ask me what am I going to do with a ship, the Russian ship as an example, I’m not going to tell you. But hopefully, I won’t have to do anything, but I’m not going to tell you.”
Translated to: “Sorry Pooty – I didn’t mean they were bad things. I won’t do anything. I still love you.”
If you missed the sh*tshow that was a presidential press conference, watch it here: