Bill O’Reilly walked out of Fox News today a man without a purpose. After decades of spinning right-wing lies, defending Christmas against non-existent wars and sexually harassing the women he worked with, The bigoted bastard from Long Island’s past finally caught up with him.
Without a job or a family to go home to, O’Reilly decided to do what anyone with a history of abusing and disrespecting women who has zero credibility left with anyone other than the worst America has to offer would do: He called Donald Trump. Trump, his pussy-grabbing, nasty bitch-hating kindred spirit, was more than happy to have his pal over for cheap scotch and a well-done filet mignon with ketchup.
After talking for a while, Trump decided that ol’ Bill was a perfect fit for the public face of his administration and gave him a job in the Press Secretary’s office. His duties will include helping to mold the image of autonomous animatronic douchebag Sean Spicer. Trump says he expects that Spicer could grow to be just as liked among 68-year-old white men as O’Reilly is with a little bit of effort and a 22-year-old model-turned-intern named Anna standing behind him.
Big Billy will also be responsible for replacing Kellyanne Conway, whose premature aging and slide into a modern day version of the Crypt Keeper is nearly complete, on the Sunday morning talk show circuit. Trump says he’s very bigly pleased that O’Reilly will be able to continue to denigrate women and minorities from behind a news desk, even if it isn’t his own. He looks forward to seeing him tear apart all of those fake news media types with no credibility.
So yeah…Good for Bill O’Reilly. Instead of holding the number one primetime slot on cable news where he spews unsourced propaganda to sell the agenda of the one percenters, he will instead go head to head with the likes of Chris Matthews, George Stephanopolous, John Dickerson and Chuck Todd. Surely his real-world views that welfare is for the lazy, women belong in the kitchen and Muslims have no right to be in this ever-so-Christian nation will be as popular with typical Americans as they are with the intellectually challenged Hoverrounders that make up the Fox viewing audience.
This post is marked “Political Satire” for a reason. We know it isn’t real. If it bothers you to the point that you feel the need to go to our Facebook page to call us “fake news” you will be heavily mocked, since we are neither fake nor are we the news.