Lord Cheeto obviously over-estimated the value of Steve Bannon when he placed him on the National Security Council. Being too stupid to realize that Bannon’s experience as editor-in-chief of Breitbart was good for very little in the real world, the giant Oompa Loompa allowed him to sit in a room full of people who actually matter for nearly three months.
Now that his reign of derp is over, Bannon has been wandering aimlessly around the West Wing waiting for his new assignment. After much consideration, word has finally come down about his future in the Butternut Bigot administration.
It was a tough decision. After all, what do you do with a man who believes he’s the perfect specimen of a master race with no experience in anything other than propaganda? He was vetted for every job in the executive branch. He proved worthless at actually advising Trump and his failures as a speechwriter have been obvious from the inaugural address on down.
Since his removal from the NSC, he’s been considered and tested for a plethora of positions with little success. It turns out he’s better at clogging toilets than fixing them and the interns are currently circulating several different versions of a “how many Bannons does it take to screw in a lightbulb” joke. He can’t sort mail nearly as efficiently as a 20-year-old college student and when asked to take inventory and order office supplies, he threw a fit and broke a plate glass window after learning that Post-It Notes don’t come in white.
The only thing that was left was for Trump to create a position specifically suited to what Steve Bannon is good at. He will now serve in an official capacity as Chief Supervisor of Chips and Dip to the President and Keeper of the Oval Office Remote. The position will require him to make sure POTUS has an ample selection of bagged snacks and no less than a dozen dips on hand to choose from at all times. He will also control which of the Fox news stations is on the TV in the big orange traffic cone’s office and make sure the batteries in the presidential remote are fresh and ready to switch to Celebrity Apprentice at a moment’s notice.
Bannon was a little disturbed at first, having been given more responsibility than he’s used to, but he seems to be settling into the job fairly well. His salary was increased to $235K per year, since chips and dip are far more important to Trump than any national security advice ever could be.
It’s good to see the administration chugging away exactly how those of us with an IQ over 70 expected.
This post is marked “political satire” for a reason. It means we know it isn’t real. If you feel the need to go to the Facebook page to tell us it isn’t real, we will point at you and engage in much mockery, most likely comparing you to a Trump supporter. Let’s face it…nobody wants that.