It’s 3 AM on a Sunday morning in the White House, and while you might think you know where Donald Trump is — ranting on Twitter — that’s actually not the case today.
On this Monday morning, Trump scurries along as fast as his feet will carry him through the empty, quiet halls, in an emotional state that’s even more delirious and less attached to reality than usual. Hell follows behind him, and the ghost of Richard Nixon is ahead of him.
You see, Donald Trump isn’t racing to find his phone so he can once again abuse people on social media. No, on this Sunday morning, Trump is tearing through the White House like a hurricane looking for ink.
Why is he looking for ink?
As the groundskeeper for the White House explained:
Mr. Trump has been up early every morning since the [Russian] scandal took off, hoarding all of the ink he could get his tiny fingers on. At first, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense, right? I mean, ink? Seriously? But then, he’s done stuff that makes even less sense.
The groundskeeper noted, however, that as the Russian scandal unraveled (and Mr. Trump’s already scrambled mind with it) the reasoning became clear: He’s going to need all the ink in the White House just to fill out enough pardons for himself and his family. But mostly himself.
“That’s a lot of pardons,” the groundskeeper said, referring to the duffel bags of ink. Why would Trump put the ink in duffel bags instead of storing it in something like the closets? “Well,” the groundskeeper explained, “There were just too many skeletons in those closets fit all the ink he needs.”